I need to stop taking Adderall.  It’s stressing me the fuck out.  I thought an online class would be easier than taking a political philosophy class during the school year, but if it’s not.  I’m not reading, my first assignment was shit, and I seriously have no motivation to post anything on the discussion forums.  I’m so screwed.  

I really wanted to go to the Gay Pride parade in SF today but I woke up at 2 p.m. Bummer.

Now that I’ve showered, I’m thinking I should’ve worked out instead. 

Whenever I’ve  *sunbathed, I start thinking I should go back to London to visit Ozy.  Now that I’m sober, I’m thinking I’m always a fucking horny idiot when I’m baked.  But I DO deserve my own vacation… but would it be worth it?  I don’t want to get back together again, I don’t care if he never calls again… so why am I still thinking about him?  He wants me when he can’t have me, and when I’m all for it, he backs away.  He wants what he can’t have, and I’m sick of it.  He still calls me every Friday and we still have the same conversation.  

Ozy: Why don’t you ever call me anymore?

Me: … I used to call you all the time, why didn’t you appreciate it then?

Ozy: Ehh I had things to do.  But I do call you….What have you been up to?

Me: School. Work. What have you been up to?

Ozy: Work.

Me: …hm… Are you still working weekends?…Are you going out this weekend?…How’s Jeff?….Is the Olympic stadium construction going well?…I’m hungry…

Ozy: What have you been up to?

Me: School. Work.

Ozy: When are you coming to visit?

Me: You still haven’t seen someone else since me?  I don’t believe you.

Ozy: I swear.

Me: Swear on your mom’s life.

Ozy: I swear. 

Convo continues with I’m not coming unless you’re paying…Why don’t you ask your father?…My dad is not going to pay for me to fly out of the country to visit some boy he’s never met….I’ll tell him I’m a good guy…I’m sure that will do the trick…

then it would escalate into How can I trust you after the way you’ve treated me last few days of London?  You want what you can’t have.  Nahh…thats not true I like you…Whatever man…. 

Then the phone call always abruptly ends because his minutes are out.  I bet he expects me to call him back, but I’ve only recently become smart enough to not bother anymore.  I think he calls me every Friday night to use up the rest of his minutes before he buys more minutes for the following week.  AKA I’m the end of his week, doesn’t bother to refill minutes BECAUSE of me.  

On another note…

I start my first day of work tomorrow at a reputable tech company for PR internship.  I hope this is worth it.  I don’t want to work for them after college, in fact I don’t want to be working in anything like this after I graduate.  In fact, I don’t want to be doing anything that has to do with following orders after I graduate.  I need to start capitalizing on my strengths.  I feel that if I work hard enough, I could become a successful attorney.  I have the personality and my fortune teller told me so.  However, I can’t bring myself to work that hard or compete that hard.  I want to do something that comes easily to me, but what are the consequences of defying the destiny my fortune teller told me would make me successful and DOES capitalize on my strengths?  Why am I letting a fortune teller be an important variable in my decision for what I want to do with the rest of my life?!  Why can’t a simple medication just allow me to concentrate on my fucking reading instead of stressing me the fuck out?!  Every time I consider throwing this shit away, I am reminded that I have the most severe ADD/ADHD evERRRRRRR.

On one hand, I am happy that I spent one entire night downloading good music and erasing shit music off my itunes.  Now that I have a respectable itunes library, I can work out.  At least I’ve been productive for something.  The other day my sister and I *sunbathed sooo much and went to Zumba class at Club Sport.  So much fun!  I was also reminded of how good I am at picking up steps and how unathletic I am compared to my classmates of Asian housewives.  I was so enthusiastic in the beginning and burnt out 20 minutes in.  The only reason I stayed the full hour was to not be that out-of-shape girl in her 20’s who couldn’t handle the heat against a class of menopausal women.  Afterwards I promptly awarded myself with an accidental orgasm from the jacuzzi jetstreams.  It was a lot of fun, but inappropriate and certainly not an acceptable boyfriend substitute.  GET A GRIP, WOMAN.   You are not an unloved, ignored menopausal housewife!  You are 21, young, vibrant, and full of potential!  

Pathetic ends here.

Tomorrow, I better be back in the game, BITCH!

Let’s be real

I made the right decision to choose Santa Clara over UCSD.  Everything I thought I wanted in a school- prestige, school spirit, large lecture halls- to be one in a million, to be part of something big, etc- I didn’t initially find in SCU, and I wasted some time feeling disappointed.  A lot of people who don’t go to this school and a lot of people who do wonder whether the quality of our college experience is diminished because there’s “nothing” around here or we don’t have a football team, etc.  But they don’t get it.  I’m here and I love it because of the real connections I’ve made with people.  We all did some growing up in high school, but I grew up so much in college.  It was here at SCU that I really found myself.  I learned how to be vulnerable to people, I learned how to be real with myself, I learned how to be weak at certain times in life and accepting that it doesn’t matter.  I don’t have to be confident and independent and etc etc all the time.  Life isn’t about besting each other, its worth is measured (and only by you) by the depth of the connections you’ve made and the awareness of their impact on you.  There’s a quality in SCU students that’s really hard to measure.  We’re not competitive, but that doesn’t decrease the value of our education.  An econ professor who taught the same class at SCU and Stanford remarked that he noticed Stanford kids were so much more competitive than we were, that before an exam, we’re sharing information and helping each other.  We all know there’s a curve, yet we don’t seem to let it affect our relationships with other students in class, nor do we exhibit any signs of competition with each other.

Tonight was our annual end-of-year AKPsi banquet.  In previous years, we said our goodbyes and wished them well.  This year, it hit me hard to see all of them in their stolls… looking at each of them- they all had an impact on my life.  Last night, we piled into MJ’s car at 3:30 AM and danced for over two hours until dawn.  We turned on the music so loud; I could feel the bass all over my body, and I just felt so much love towards sarah martin mj and kelly.  we weren’t dancing to impress anyone, we were dancing with ourselves and with each other and in celebration of how wonderful certain moments can be- how these moments aren’t going to materialize into anything.  moments like last night are meant to pass, and you have to live as much of it as you can right then.  it’s not going to bring you anything, except humanity. 

I’m really going to miss the graduating class of 09.  This time has made me become aware of how I’ve spent my time at Santa Clara.  I didn’t just go through the motions.  I didn’t spend my time at college like I did in high school when I was always looking at the finish line- grades, college, etc.  It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy high school, I just put a deadline on my experience instead of really living it.  I spent college working towards experiencing things, feeling the present moments, wasting time for the sake of  doing nothing.

So if you’re wondering what the fuck is there in Santa Clara for me, stop looking.  Just shut the fuck up and start living it, your experience is truly what you make of it. Santa Clara will not just hand it to you.  Discard people in your life who are only here for the sake of getting through it, or who can’t seem to be satisfied with what they have and do nothing to improve themselves.  

Treasure the ones who are down to just waste some time with you.

Decided on my major

So instead of taking the easy route and graduating early, I have decided to spend more of my parents’ money to make my time in college worth it.  I’m already a way ahead of my class- taking classes all over the place for no reason…and now I’m giving it a reason!

When I graduate in June 2010, I will graduate with:

Bachelor of Commerce: Marketing
Bachelor of Science: Political Science
Minor: Arabic Islamic Middle Eastern Studies

I can do this I can do this I can do this!

I think when I have to answer that annoying question, “So what’s your major?” I should be able to answer with pride that my major(s) reflect who I am as a person, and as a student who has chosen her course of education.  This seems like such a lame post, but its past 5 am people- what the fuck did you think I’ve been doing all night?!  It’s a big deal!

Yelp is a shady bastard

Apparently, they write negative reviews to businesses who refuse to advertise with them.  My waxer recently told me that Yelp called her recently to ask if she wanted to advertise, because her business received a couple hundred hits per day.  She refused, of course, because why would she want to pay for something she already gets for free- thanks to her loyal customers?  The guy who called actually got angry with her, getting borderline verbally abusive.  

Yelp, get off your power trip.  It wasn’t unfortunate that Newsom took away Yelp Day, it was unfortunate he even considered you in the first place.

Rahm Emmanuel

I’m afraid that Obama’s new Chief of Staff will be a heavy pro-Israel influence upon him.  Rahm will be one of the few guys will play bouncer to the oval office.  Alls I’m saying is that Israel deserves to be held accountable to its crimes towards humanity.  I want my taxes to go towards humanitarian aid for Palestinian refugees, not for Israel’s institutional ethnic cleansing of Palestinians.  Israel is an illegal state.  The people of Palestine deserve their own state.  A state shared WITH Jews.  You really think you can create a state purely of people of the same faith and demand recognition?!  Drop phosphorous bombs that sear into flesh not on the battle field but into urban neighborhoods of Gaza and demand that its the right of the Chosen People?!  

“But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security.” -Thomas Jefferson, Declaration of Independence.

What do helpless people do when they’ve been cornered and pushed to a precipice of desperation?  They don’t surrender and disappear as the Israelis have been trying and failing to do.  They fight back in any way that they can, even if it entails mutual destruction.  

And tomorrow we wake to President Obama

I was reading an email from SCU Democrats, which I never attend.  And the last signoff in the email was, “And tomorrow we wake to President Obama.”

wow, that threw me back because THINK ABOUT IT! For the past 8 years of my life, and I’m only 20, the President has been George W. Bush.  My earliest recollection of any other president was Bill Clinton.  When Barack Obama first entered the election arena, I seriously believed that America was not capable just yet of electing its first BLACK president.  I thought a woman would be elected first.  BUT IT HAPPENED… and it just blows my mind and I’m so excited.

I miss Ozy so much.  In the beginning of being back home, I didn’t think it was going to be very hard getting over him.  I was just so happy to be back home because I had been so homesick.  Now that I’m busy with school and life, I often find myself wishing desperately to see him again…smell him again…get drunk off whisky cokes and talk nonsense into the night, again.  I find myself wishing I had blogged down every second I had with him, so I can reflect back vividly.  Now I’ve realized that the memories get fuzzier as the weeks go by.  

Talking over the phone every day is making it harder.  We’re running out of things to say.  Our families, our jobs and classes, our lives are still the same since the last 20 times we’ve asked about them of each other.  I’m afraid he’s becoming tired of this game, and so am I… but I still don’t want it to end.  

I just hate how this is so inconvenient.  It was also inconvenient in London.  It took me 1 hour to walk from my flat to the South Kensington underground station, ride the train to Stratford with one transfer at Holborn, and walk to his house from the Stratford station.  But I was willing to do this, because he was my escape from all the freakin’ SCU home university up in my face all the time back at my flat.  And I could never allow him to meet me in South Kensington because I shared a room with 3 other girls and a flat with 12 other judgmental heifers.  I can’t talk to him all I want from the phone because it’s expensive and he’s always working.  I only have a small window in the mornings to speak with him before the time difference has to shut us down.  

He wants me to spend the summer with him in Albania, but I know I can’t do that… no matter what I’ve promised.  I can’t host him in California because I don’t know what to tell my parents of my 25 year old Albanian manpal.  The closest thing I can ever look forward to realistically is visiting him during Spring Break, but I wouldn’t know what to tell my parents either about that.  He wants more than I can offer at this point in my life, yet he can’t wait for me.  For some reason I can’t trust him entirely that he truly likes me because he’s no John Cusack.  He doesn’t stand outside my window with a radio, or dip me, or proclaim his love for me or something- whatever it is that I think I want.  

It’s really hard describing what we had, something I wouldn’t think I’d have a problem with when I thought relationships were simpler.  It’s not just the language barrier, it was the complicated situation we were in.  He always worked, I lived across town and travelled a lot, I could never tell if he truly liked me so I’d act like he was nothing to me.  We both didn’t know what I wanted from him, and I couldn’t decipher through his Albanian accent and tough demeanor what I meant to him.  And what could’ve actually developed anyway if we started out knowing we had a deadline?  Would we have been together in the first place if there wasn’t a deadline?  

From being back home and being the way I am now, I do know this- that I was with him not because he was just only a hobby, an escape, nor just because.  I really liked him.  

I know what I should be doing: get over him and move on.  Think of him as one of my great experiences from my London abroad experience.  But it feels so belittling to reduce him to nothing more than an “experience.”  So this is where I’m at right now:  Every morning when I wake up, I call him just to hear his voice.  It’s not a lot of time, but it gets me out of bed.  On the weekends, he calls me and we talk about the same things every day.  I’m not sure if I want this to be easier, or if I could just make myself forget and move on.

Jumpsuits

Congratulations to the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, this one was pretty good.

Ok, I’m not a fan of jumpsuits, but this one is pretty darn cute.  And you can look pretty darn cute in this too… unless you’re built like a woman.

For those who escaped puberty, this is YOUR season!

Teri Hatcher

Anyone notice how profoundly improved Teri Hatcher’s Botox jobs are this season?  She used to make me wince whenever she tried to twist her face into a worried expression, now she does it very nicely!

London Update

Ok I know I haven’t updated anything from London… but this was worth trafficking through ridiculously slow internet to announce-

I’ve got some bombass legs, for my standards anyway. I’m at work right now, and I randomly look down at my lap… and decide to let my eyes rest there for a bit because I was so taken by how damn fit my thighs have gotten. They’re so taut under my (classy) fishnet pantyhose, even cuter with the slight run. I’m going to lose this immediately upon returning home. No more stairs, no more senseless walking. Gonna miss it!

NOT!